I have OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) and nervous tics. Or a least I was told I had that when I was young. It may be something else, but I have grown up and taken meds for that and other things.
I wanted to talk about the issues I had growing up that maybe the game world helped and/or hurt. Some of these problems other gamers probably have. Hell, I know a lot do. A lot of people have these conditions and I just wanted to talk about myself and how I have dealt with things. So a little backstory.
When I was around the age of 5 I was diagnosed with ADHD (or maybe ADD, how knows. I know later on I was told I had ADHD). They put me on the standard then, Ritalin, and I took that twice a day everyday. I was lucky to have the summers off of my medication where I could be a wild and crazy kid (great show). That would end though when school got close though. Back on the medicine I would go. That is how things went until middle school.
Around 6th/7th grade I started to have OCD tendencies they said, as well as nervous tics. I had problems with stuttering and making a clicking noise in my throat. They also thought I was depressed and they redid the medications. I went from Ritalin to Adderal (a version of which was sustained release), Prozac, then Luvox, then Paxil, then Wellabutrin. I also started to take Clonidine around 8th grade and continued that until 10th. That was a fun drug. Nothing like almost passing out through the day cause the stuff is an anti-anxiety drug with a wonderful side effect of knocking you on your ass.
The worst OCD tendency that I had was with my writing and typing. I would be writing things and I would make . really big and cause they were perfect when I originally put them down. 0 and 8 were the same things. I would keep making them bigger and bigger. This started around 3rd grade when I started at a new school (damn you Country Day). This then turned into me writing something and I would cross it out or completely scratch it out. I went through a lot of pencil erasers doing this. I would have written the world/letter/number perfectly, but in my mind it was horrible. I had to fix it. And when I did that I would feel like I made another mistake so I would eradicate that. And so on and so on. Numbers were the worst. I had to start doing all my math problems in Roman Numerals just to get through math classes. I constantly felt like there was no end in sight. With typing I would write a sentence and then erase the whole thing cause I felt that I didn't hit the keys just write. After you finish a sentence you normally put 2 spaces after the period. I would hit "space space, back back, space space, back back, space space, back back" cause I needed that pattern.
My tics were the worst part though. I had one where I would imagine a wheel spinning in my head and I couldn't make my mind make it stop spinning. So I would suddenly concentrate completely on this wheel going around and around nonstop. It would sometimes take me almost 5 minutes to calm things down. I had a horrible tic where I would shake my head violently over and over again throughout the day. I started messing up the muscles in my neck and giving myself daily migraines. I had a horrible tic where I would shake my head violently over and over again throughout the day. I started messing up the muscles in my neck and giving myself daily migraines. Of course all the anxiety caused by all of this caused it to be even worse.
So some how I made it through many years of all of that, and I made it to high school. In high school things got changed up and I went from Adderall to Concerta 54, the high dose. Then in 11th grade I was switched to a non-stimulant drug called Strattera. They made the switch cause my doctor finally realized that my tics were still there. Those started to calm down, however my throat clicking and stuttering still continued. Something no one really knew was that when taking Strattera it amplifies your emotions and feelings, and being a hormonal teenager things were great. NOT.
I became really depressed and had many a dark thought. My grades started to slip and it only just plummeted. I think the only reason I made it through was cause I got to the summer and I went off all my meds. I was free and able to figure out what would make me feel better. What could I do to take control of my mind?? What the hell is the answer???
Well, I spent a lot of time watching M*A*S*H. Besides doing that (its a great show may I add) and watching a lot of other things and building up an enormous collection of movies and TV shows, I played games. A lot of games.
I have been playing games all of my life. One of the constants that I have had. I am a big lover of RPG games (if you haven't figured yet). During this summer period I played a lot of RPG games and they helped me to get aligned right. Once my senior year started I had a munch better mindset and I went back on the Strattera. I killed it that year. My grades shot through the roof and I made honor roll for the first time ever (hell I made it multiple times). I had my first real relationship and got into college. I started to play FFXI as well and that helped me to reward myself with playing.
Then I graduated and I made the decision to come off all my medication entirely. I felt that I had trained myself enough to make it without the meds. And so I did. That was in June of 2004, and since then I have been med free since then. I went through college without anything but my only ability to figure out how to control my mind. I then went through grad school and now have a job and an amazing wife and been med free. Its a great feeling and I think besides the wonderful people in my life that have always supported me, I think that games helped me to get through things.
The pattern that many games have where you have to do the same thing over and over again helped my OCD tendencies big time. I quickly set into things and could keep going with them cause of this pattern.
Another aspect of the games that helped me was the ability to escape. FFXI helped with this greatly since I was completely immersed in another world cause of the MMO platform. With games however I could escape. When I got hyper anxious or nervous about things, or I got over stressed, I knew that I could turn on a machine and escape for awhile. This type of therapy helped my brain get into a new place and a pattern, while part of my brain sorted out the details of the madness of my life. I never felt bad when I played games (except when I would die and not saved for a while. DAMN YOU when that happened). I only felt pleasantness. Some people might say this is not the way to approach things. That you need to take things head on. They would be right with that method. I would do that eventually. I just needed to do something to take the edge and craziness of the world out of my mind and sort out how I wanted to do things before I did them. Then once I was done I would take care of my problems.
I kicked ass in college and grad school using this method. I don't think that I even thought of it as one then. Looking back now I do consider it my own little therapy method. It feels good to be able to step out of this chaotic swirling vortex of anger and stimulus that we call life so one can look back on things and sort it out. With work and all nowadays its hard for me to find the time to just turn on a new world and step out for second. I do my best to do that and this blog helps me to do so. My tics have been minimal (knock on wood) with controllable ups and downs, and my OCD is pretty contained. My ADHD is still around, but I have lost the H awhile ago. I know how to let my mind wonder and bring it back in.
I was able to grow up and assert more control over my emotions and mind. Control my anger and sadness. Do all of this cause I had games to help me. I can be in control without them now. Its not an addiction at all. I can play games just to play them and enjoy them when I want to. But when times get tough I can turn on the machine and step out for a few. Take a mental 3 hours or so when I can find the time. Its something that I know is possible and will enjoy for the rest of my life. Games have helped me so much and I intend to help them back. And by doing that I plan to play them and beat them.
Plus, this is much better than relieving my frustrations with alcohol, smoking, drugs, or violent sex.
DON'T DO DRUGS
I wanted to talk about the issues I had growing up that maybe the game world helped and/or hurt. Some of these problems other gamers probably have. Hell, I know a lot do. A lot of people have these conditions and I just wanted to talk about myself and how I have dealt with things. So a little backstory.
When I was around the age of 5 I was diagnosed with ADHD (or maybe ADD, how knows. I know later on I was told I had ADHD). They put me on the standard then, Ritalin, and I took that twice a day everyday. I was lucky to have the summers off of my medication where I could be a wild and crazy kid (great show). That would end though when school got close though. Back on the medicine I would go. That is how things went until middle school.
Around 6th/7th grade I started to have OCD tendencies they said, as well as nervous tics. I had problems with stuttering and making a clicking noise in my throat. They also thought I was depressed and they redid the medications. I went from Ritalin to Adderal (a version of which was sustained release), Prozac, then Luvox, then Paxil, then Wellabutrin. I also started to take Clonidine around 8th grade and continued that until 10th. That was a fun drug. Nothing like almost passing out through the day cause the stuff is an anti-anxiety drug with a wonderful side effect of knocking you on your ass.
The worst OCD tendency that I had was with my writing and typing. I would be writing things and I would make . really big and cause they were perfect when I originally put them down. 0 and 8 were the same things. I would keep making them bigger and bigger. This started around 3rd grade when I started at a new school (damn you Country Day). This then turned into me writing something and I would cross it out or completely scratch it out. I went through a lot of pencil erasers doing this. I would have written the world/letter/number perfectly, but in my mind it was horrible. I had to fix it. And when I did that I would feel like I made another mistake so I would eradicate that. And so on and so on. Numbers were the worst. I had to start doing all my math problems in Roman Numerals just to get through math classes. I constantly felt like there was no end in sight. With typing I would write a sentence and then erase the whole thing cause I felt that I didn't hit the keys just write. After you finish a sentence you normally put 2 spaces after the period. I would hit "space space, back back, space space, back back, space space, back back" cause I needed that pattern.
My tics were the worst part though. I had one where I would imagine a wheel spinning in my head and I couldn't make my mind make it stop spinning. So I would suddenly concentrate completely on this wheel going around and around nonstop. It would sometimes take me almost 5 minutes to calm things down. I had a horrible tic where I would shake my head violently over and over again throughout the day. I started messing up the muscles in my neck and giving myself daily migraines. I had a horrible tic where I would shake my head violently over and over again throughout the day. I started messing up the muscles in my neck and giving myself daily migraines. Of course all the anxiety caused by all of this caused it to be even worse.
So some how I made it through many years of all of that, and I made it to high school. In high school things got changed up and I went from Adderall to Concerta 54, the high dose. Then in 11th grade I was switched to a non-stimulant drug called Strattera. They made the switch cause my doctor finally realized that my tics were still there. Those started to calm down, however my throat clicking and stuttering still continued. Something no one really knew was that when taking Strattera it amplifies your emotions and feelings, and being a hormonal teenager things were great. NOT.
I became really depressed and had many a dark thought. My grades started to slip and it only just plummeted. I think the only reason I made it through was cause I got to the summer and I went off all my meds. I was free and able to figure out what would make me feel better. What could I do to take control of my mind?? What the hell is the answer???
Well, I spent a lot of time watching M*A*S*H. Besides doing that (its a great show may I add) and watching a lot of other things and building up an enormous collection of movies and TV shows, I played games. A lot of games.
I have been playing games all of my life. One of the constants that I have had. I am a big lover of RPG games (if you haven't figured yet). During this summer period I played a lot of RPG games and they helped me to get aligned right. Once my senior year started I had a munch better mindset and I went back on the Strattera. I killed it that year. My grades shot through the roof and I made honor roll for the first time ever (hell I made it multiple times). I had my first real relationship and got into college. I started to play FFXI as well and that helped me to reward myself with playing.
Then I graduated and I made the decision to come off all my medication entirely. I felt that I had trained myself enough to make it without the meds. And so I did. That was in June of 2004, and since then I have been med free since then. I went through college without anything but my only ability to figure out how to control my mind. I then went through grad school and now have a job and an amazing wife and been med free. Its a great feeling and I think besides the wonderful people in my life that have always supported me, I think that games helped me to get through things.
The pattern that many games have where you have to do the same thing over and over again helped my OCD tendencies big time. I quickly set into things and could keep going with them cause of this pattern.
Another aspect of the games that helped me was the ability to escape. FFXI helped with this greatly since I was completely immersed in another world cause of the MMO platform. With games however I could escape. When I got hyper anxious or nervous about things, or I got over stressed, I knew that I could turn on a machine and escape for awhile. This type of therapy helped my brain get into a new place and a pattern, while part of my brain sorted out the details of the madness of my life. I never felt bad when I played games (except when I would die and not saved for a while. DAMN YOU when that happened). I only felt pleasantness. Some people might say this is not the way to approach things. That you need to take things head on. They would be right with that method. I would do that eventually. I just needed to do something to take the edge and craziness of the world out of my mind and sort out how I wanted to do things before I did them. Then once I was done I would take care of my problems.
I kicked ass in college and grad school using this method. I don't think that I even thought of it as one then. Looking back now I do consider it my own little therapy method. It feels good to be able to step out of this chaotic swirling vortex of anger and stimulus that we call life so one can look back on things and sort it out. With work and all nowadays its hard for me to find the time to just turn on a new world and step out for second. I do my best to do that and this blog helps me to do so. My tics have been minimal (knock on wood) with controllable ups and downs, and my OCD is pretty contained. My ADHD is still around, but I have lost the H awhile ago. I know how to let my mind wonder and bring it back in.
I was able to grow up and assert more control over my emotions and mind. Control my anger and sadness. Do all of this cause I had games to help me. I can be in control without them now. Its not an addiction at all. I can play games just to play them and enjoy them when I want to. But when times get tough I can turn on the machine and step out for a few. Take a mental 3 hours or so when I can find the time. Its something that I know is possible and will enjoy for the rest of my life. Games have helped me so much and I intend to help them back. And by doing that I plan to play them and beat them.
Plus, this is much better than relieving my frustrations with alcohol, smoking, drugs, or violent sex.
DON'T DO DRUGS
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